I'M TOO GROWN FOR THIS SHIT!

Warning, if I see gold fronts in your mouth, I'm gonna automatically thing you're a lessor and turn and walk away from you at any moment during the conversation. I'm too old to be subject to the foolishness of the world.

 

Have you ever had and epiphany about your life? It seems like I’m getting one every day. Being 35, married with a preteen child and one on the way, there is one thing that stays in the forefront of my mind. I am simply too grown for this shit. At a certain point and time in everyone’s life, you must grow the hell up in both thoughts and deeds. I was having a conversation with some friends on the 4^th of July and we seem to agree that the things that we used to do made no sense and aren’t important any more. When we were younger, responsibilities were not a driving factor in making decisions. There were times that I would drink and smoke every day. There were times when I would let bills go late so I could do hood rat things with my friends. Hell, there were even times where I would sit in bars and restaurants until midnight because I needed my direct deposit to hit before they swiped my card and I got embarrassed. You know you ain’t shit when you write bad checks just to get something to eat at Sonics. Matter fact, some of us are still getting gas on the credit option at the pump because we know that if there is a dollar on that debit card, we can get a full tank and 3 to 5 days to come up with the funds to pay for it. No? So that’s just me? Oh, OK. Liars.

 

These days, I dread every invite that comes to my phone. Shit if it ain’t your birthday or your wedding, I’m hoping that a cancellation text comes a day before the event. It takes too much damn thinking and energy to figure out the logistics of trying to attend your event, trying to find room in the discretionary budget, and fight heat and traffic of Atlanta. Bitch I’m fat and these under tiddays get to sweating at the thought of being in the heat longer than humanly possible.

 

Even if I come to the event, I’m looking for the first person to leave so I can follow right behind them. I kid you not, before every event, the Duchess and I have a prolific and in depth conversation on if we really want to go and how long we will stay. I’m old and my time is valuable. Love and Hip Hop ain’t gonna watch itself and I can’t let the DVR get pass 30% or the Duchess will start yelling at me that I’m recording too much shit.  Which brings up the issue of time. Bitch, be on time! I understand that shit happens, but if you schedule an event from 7 to 10 on a work night and are casually late because you across the street eating, trust and believe, we are throwing those deuces as soon as we see you and let you know that we were here and ON TIME! That late shit ain’t cool and I literally will not give you the time for it. Be fucking thoughtful of my time or better yet, don’t invite me. I’m about 85% sure that the Duchess and I didn’t want to be there anyway. I love you guys but I really enjoy laying around my house in my draws snacking on edibles and drinking some good brown.

 

I also have a low tolerance for young people. They get on my fucking nerves. If I hear that shit was, “Lit” or “It was a movie” one more damn time…  Ain’t shit lit about a sweat box and a chick twerking on you and all your homies in the club. Then you are popping bottles in VIP. Well good for you! You and your 10 friends can all put in $20 to get 2 little ass bottles of Ciroc! Team Litty huh? At the end of the day, all of you got there before 10, ain’t got no real money and probably staying in a 2-bedroom apt with 3 roommates and no real furniture. You know what’s better than being lit? Credit bitch! Was it really a movie or just a series of you and your friends posting pics of the same scene from different angles? Remove the filters, change the caption, and look at your reality. Nigga, Instagram and Snapchat stories don’t make you Steven Spielberg and your timeline will never be Oscar worthy. Put that shit on YouTube and let it get lost in space like the sense none of you seem to have.

 

The people in my circle get it. We understand that there is a high possibility that we may not show up to your shit. We also understand that lack of physical presence does not mean that we don’t love and care about each other. When shit hits the fan, we know that we will be there. We celebrate your engagement by sending you a personal text. We will celebrate your new house by not coming over unannounced or by signing our names in random spots in it. We will celebrate your new baby by not calling it ugly to your face. The shit real friends do! We will also visit you in the hospital. We will check on you randomly for no reason. We will pray for you. We will have a Nigga Moment just to protect your short ass in the middle of the alley in downtown Atlanta. Why, because that’s what grown people do. Know your demographic, act accordingly, and dress your mutha fucking age Floyd Mayweather. We too grown to be wearing backpacks especially if we can’t even read.

 

I’ve been ratchet a long time. Nothing much has really changed. I was looking at my Facebook Memories the other day and a note that I wrote years ago popped up. I wanted to let you guys see where I was then and where I am now. I’ve been too grown for this shit for years!

 

[Duke], Are You Coming to the Club? HELL NO!

So, I was talking to my friend today and he asked me why I never go to the club. It’s not that I don’t go to the club; it’s just that I think that clubs and parties are truly overrated and I could be doing more productive things with my time and energy. If the club is your thing then do you, I’ll see you if I’m ever pressured into going. So just to humor my friend I’m writing another LIST! lol

REASONS YOU WON’T FIND [DUKE] AT THE CLUB!

1. SHIT! I CAN’T FIND GAS TO GO TO WORK, AND U WANT ME TO WASTE MINE GOING TO THE CLUB!?

2. I’M FROM MS AND I’M NOT USED TO PAYING FOR PARKING! THAT SHIT IS CRAZY!

3. $10 TO $20 DOLLARS TO WALK IN THE CLUB AND I CAN’T GET A CUP OF ICE?

4. I HATE WAITING IN LINE; I’M A RIGHT NOW MAN.

5. DON’T YOU SEE THE SAME PEOPLE IN THE CLUB THAT U SEE EVERWHERE ELSE.

6. I DON’T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT WHO MAY SHOW UP; GET OFF THE CELEB'S JOCK.

7. I DON’T LIKE RANDOM PEOPLE NEAR OR TOUCHING ME.

8. THE CLUBS ARE FUCKING HOT AS HELL.

9. IF I WANTED TO STAND SHOULDER TO SHOULDER WITH OTHER PEOPLE, I WOULD HAVE PROLONGED THOSE 6 WEEKS, 1 DAY . . . BLUUUUUUUUUU PHI!

10. I GOT A COOL CHICK AND DON’T NEED TO GO TO THE CLUB TO SEE HALF NAKED CHICKS, I CAN DO THAT AT SOUTHLAKE MALL, AND HAVE A BETTER VIEW!

11. I KNOW IT’S SECURITY JOB TO PAT U DOWN, BUT DAMN IT, ITS A FULL MOLESTATION NOW.

12. I’M OLD AND I DON’T WANT TO BE AROUND A BUNCH OF 19 AND 20 YEAR OLDS.

13. WHO THE HELL ARE U TRYING TO IMPRESS, POPPIN BOTTLES WHEN U KNOW BROKE AS HELL.

14. UMMMM . . .$8 FOR A MIX DRINK? . . . .OR $8 FOR A WHOLE BOTTLE OF LIQUOR? . . . WHICH ONE SHOULD I DO? . . .

15. PRE GAMING IS DANGEROUS . . . BUT DO U.

16. THE ATL SHUTS DOWN AT 3:30, I’M STILL WIRED! SO BACK TO MY HOUSE TO FINISH MY OWN LIQUOR.

17. DUMB ASS PEOPLE THROWING UP BEFORE THE PARTY EVEN STARTS . . .YES DUMB ASS FROM BLU JAMA WHO DECIDED TO THROW UP ALL OVER THE FRONT OF THE LINE! I’M TALKING ABOUT U! AND IF I KNEW YOUR NAME, I WOULD TAG U!

18. WHAT REALLY MAKES THE CLUB HOT? . . .IM STILL TRYING TO FIND OUT . . .

19. 40 DAMN FLYERS ALL OVER MY CAR WHEN I GET READY TO LEAVE! WTF! ISN'T THAT SOME KIND OF TRESPASSING?

20. THE WACK ASS DJ, WHO WON’T SHUT THE HELL UP! LET THE SONG PLAY!

21. THE WACK ASS DJ WHO DOESN’T’ KNOW HOW TO MIX . . . STOP MIXING SONGS THAT ARE IN TWO DIFFERENT KEYS! IF U ARE A TRUE DJ, THEN U KNOW WHAT THE HELL I’M TALKING ABOUT!

22. WHERE THE HELL IS THE REGGAE SET! AND JUST BECAUSE U PLAY DUTTY WINE AND 3 SEAN PAUL SONGS DOES NOT COUNT! U SUCK!

23. MUST WE GET A REPLAY EVERY HOUR . . . DIDN’T I JUST HEAR THIS SONG 30 MINS AGO!

24. NO I’M NOT BUYING U A DRINK . . . DO I LOOK LIKE T PAIN, STOP BRINGING YOUR BROKE ASS TO THE CLUB! I GOT RENT TO PAY!

 

SO, HELL NO I’M NOT GOING TO THE CLUB!

 

 

 

Sophistication:

Enjoying quality time at home with your family

Ratchetness:

Doing it with no regards to how you look and smell under the thought, “Bitch I’m at home!”

 

Now put them together… Sophisticated Ratchetness!!