CoCoa Puffs, Cymbalta, and 24 Hours to Life

Greetings and Salutations,

Soooooooooooooooooooooooo, I never start my day without my CoCoa Puffs and Cymbalta. I thoroughly enjoy both. Hell those CoCoa Puffs are just the best cereal ever created and that Cymbalta is everything I need to get through these days. It has been a very emotional and draining couple of weeks for me. DRAY NEEN! When I tell you that my emotions have been all over the place and shit just keeps getting thrown in the mix. But, the good thing about all of this is that I have finally come to the point of contentment and grace. Me and God have been having some heated conversations and arguments. I have realized that his grace was, is, and will always be sufficient even in the times where I'm lying in bed crying uncontrollably, feeling alone and abandoned. You remember when I told yall I was gonna get real with yall about my feelings and life, well get ready cause here it goes....

Picture it, Sicily, 1939.... lol. No seriously though, Sunday July 26th, I woke and got up to go to the bathroom. I stand up and immediately hit the floor. Bodily functions doing their own thing. I lay there, covered in everything that I despise. Weakness. Neediness. Fear. Uncertainty. Confusion. Shit and Piss. Thank God for surrounding me with great people who stepped in and took care of me. This doesn't just happen once, but 3 times. What the hell is going on!? Today is just full of shit, literally. Ok, Duke, you're clearly sick. Get in the bed and stay there.

Monday, July 27th. I wake up, still sick, worse than the day before. I get help and make my way downstairs and lay on the couch. I'm fed crackers and Gatorade. Crackers and more Gatorade. Crackers. Gatorade. In the midst, I can't physically stand, literally crawling to the bathroom and back. Crackers. Gatorade. Dizziness. Nausea. Sleep. I spend hours on the couch. I wake up and ask for help to the bathroom. I'm lifted off the couch and pass out. In and out of consciousness... 3 white men.... stretcher... ambulance... hot... EXTREMELY HOT... voices.... more voices... I want to go home... why the fuck is it so hot?...

I wake up in the hospital. Frantic white women... boo thang in the corner... IV's in both arms... blood pressure cuff hurts... more frantic white women... bags of fluids... SCARED... why is boo thang's face all pale?... why am I here?... I want to go home... 4 bags of fluids... no 6 bags of fluids... no 5 bags of fluids... why don't yall know this?... Frustrated... #QTNA... ER... blood pressure not reading... more fluids... central line... WHAT!?... damn that hurts... blood pressure still not reading... I want to go home... I want to go home NOW... tears... someone tell me something... they don't have the answers SWAY..." Mr. Morgan...." "Mr. Morgan, we need you to be still..." more tears... fear... blood pressure cuff still hurts... squeezes every 2 minutes... I want to go home... home... nurse speaks... "Good thing you came in when you did, you wouldn't have made it another day..." HUH?... "Mr. Morgan you aren't going anywhere soon. You're going to the ICU..." More tears...

Needless to say, the SCARIEST moment in my life, they diagnosed me with Rhabdomyolysis which sent my body into a septic shock.

Rhabdomyolysis is a serious syndrome due to a direct or indirect muscle injury. It results from the death of muscle fibers and release of their contents into the bloodstream. This can lead to complications such as renal (kidney) failure. This occurs when the kidneys cannot remove waste and concentrated urine. In rare cases, Rhabdomyolysis can even cause death. 

5 days in the hospital.

This is why you haven't received a blog post. Again, this has been an emotional couple of weeks. The one year anniversary of being given 24 hours to live has definitely been playing tricks on my mind. How do you live after hearing something like that? Did I just beat Death? Is Death coming back in the form of a speeding bus like the chick in Final Destination? Hell, knowing me, it would probably come back in the form of food poisoning in some ribs or chicken. To be honest, that trip to the ER was just the beginning of the most difficult year of my life. 5 months later I'm back in the hospital... Kidneys all the way jacked and life changing.

So forgive me for not posting my ratchet thoughts on the world and the things in it. I needed time to get myself right... mind, body, and soul. I want to thank my cousins for listening and still loving me. That cabin trip was everything that I needed. My big bro, Sir, thank you for having my back literally and holding me up when I thought I couldn't stand. My little bro, thanks for the verbal confirmation of my faith. Sometimes I forget. You always seem to amaze me in so many ways. I love you and your wife. My big sister, I promise to pick up the phone and check in... maybe, lol.

It's now August and the world is better and I will be ok. My emotions will always be crazy because my psychiatrist says I'm clinically depressed, but Cymbalta has become my best friend. Let me tell you, those 10 mgs a day put in WERK! OVA TYME! Thank you United Healthcare for making those pills FREE! My life is a lifetime movie I swear. Or maybe more of a dark comedy. Oh well, if it ever becomes a movie, just make sure that Anthony Anderson plays my character. I'm just gonna end this before I start crying again, which happens without warning sometimes. Mental illness is real in these streets and it took me 34 years to finally get mine in check. This year has been trying and I have put the people in my life through so much. For that, I'm sorry. I'll make yall some BBQ later. I am no longer wearing the mask that grins and lies, hides my cheeks, and shades my eyes. Yall are going to get the real me, flaws and all. Plus, have you seen how photogenic I am. Get you a piece! I have lived my life for the comfort and thoughts of others. I have made decisions for the benefit of those around me. But no more. When I leave my footprints in the sands of time, I want to leave them with no regrets. I would like to promise yall that I will do better and try to post every week again, but NAHHHHHHHHH! Just wait on it! For those who reached out to me during my absence, thank you. This blog has been a journey and I have enjoyed everything from it. Until next time... Peace and Blessings. CoCoa Puffs and Cymbalta. Ass and Tiddays. Peanut Butter and Jelly.

Sophistication:

Finding peace and understanding in your mental illness and disease

Ratchet:

Finding joy and strength in calling your medication, Crazy Pills

NOW PUT THEM TOGETHER.... SOPHISTICATED RATCHETNESS!!

Sincerely Yours,

Duke R. de la S.