Untold Secrets

*THIS POST DEALS WITH SEXUAL ASSAULT*

Greetings and good afternoon people. It has been a minute since I have last posted. Life has been going pretty easy and it’s not that I didn’t want to write a post, I just wanted to make sure that when I post, it is authentic and coming from a place of true emotions and heart. I also wanted this blog to be an inspiration to someone out there that may need some encouragement or strength to be who and what they are. I’ve realized that I am not my brother’s keeper, I am my brother. Yes, Yes, Yes, I have been tuned into Iyanla. I wish that guh would just come and fix my life. Lawd knows I need someone to. Well anyway, there’s something that’s been weighing me down for years. I mean YEARS.

I have always said that I have done some things in my life that I would never let anyone know. Well, I broke that rule and release something to someone close to me in a time of weakness. Pretty much around this time last year when I was in the hospital or recuperating from it. What I did not know, that today was going to be the day that that person would try to use it against me. Trust and believe, it will not happen again. My truth will never stand in my way.

*ALMOST TWO HOURS LATER. THINKING. CRYING. GETTING THE COURAGE TO SEE IF I WANTED TO CONTINUE WITH THIS POST. I HAVE DECIDED THAT I WILL. THERE WILL BE NO MORE PICS PAST THIS POINT BECAUSE I WANT TO GET THIS OUT BEFORE I CHANGE MY MIND. I ALSO WON’T EDIT FROM THIS POINT BECAUSE I DON’T THINK I WILL HAVE THE STRENGTH TO READ THRU THIS AGAIN. AND I WILL NOT BE SENDING THIS TO MY PROOFREADERS. SO BEAR WITH ME THRU THE TEARS AND EMOTIONS. DAMN, ALL CAPS HUH…. MY BAD. AND IM STILL TYPING IN ALL CAPS. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING…*

My friends all know that I hate to be touched. I will tolerate a quick brother hug or a nice side hug. If I ever give you a full embrace, it’s because I trust you and you have put in the time an energy to accept that I’m weird with that. I literally cringe and my anxiety level shoots through the roof when people get too close too quick. And there’s a very valid reason why. I was raped. Breathe Issac. Wow. My real name. This is spiraling. BREATHE.

When I moved I moved to the big city of Atlanta, GA, I was fully ready to experience new people and new things. I mean I love Mississippi with all of my heart, but I needed to explore. I needed to get away from being closed in. But that didn’t happen right away because the job I got, came with room and board, so when I drove overnight to my new home. I hit I-20 West, to 285 North, to I-85 North to Suwannee, GA. Hell I bypassed ALL of Atlanta. Being stuck in Suwannee, I didn’t really experience much past what I experienced in Mississippi. Move forward a year and I decided to attend Georgia State University to finish up my Bachelor Degree in Childhood Education. Talk about a culture SHOCK! If you really want to see what Atlanta is really about, jump on the Marta at the Doraville Station and ride down to 5 Points three times a week. I was not ready. Not ready.

One day, I was walking to class from 5 Points as I usually did and was approached by a random ass dude that was like, “What up man?” Of course thinking nothing of it, I responded back and kept it moving. He then stopped me again and gave me a business card and I asked if I needed anything to call him. Confused, I was like “OK…” and kept it moving again. Niggas is crazy in these streets. Funny thing, I always saw this same guy randomly at GSU. I assume that he went to school too. GSU is one of the most diverse schools in the nation. We have a plethora of different people from different places of different ages and stages of life, one of the things that attracted me to the school. So again, I thought nothing of it.

Maybe a year after, I lost my job and was extremely low on money. I was getting unemployment but that shit wasn’t much. Check advances and Title Max became my best friends and over drafting my Bank of America account was normal. But I told no one. My pride and ego wouldn’t let me. On top of that, my roommate moved in the middle of the lease and I was really up shit’s creek. I was still going to school and trying to make something happen, plus I had no choice because my professor had to sign off on that unemployment form so I could get my check every week. I also had to stay in good standing to get that damn refund check. I guess I was really stressing one day and it had to be posted all over my face that I was going through it. I was approached by the same dude and he asked was I ok. In a moment of weakness, I let everything out. This dude was technically still a stranger, but in my eyes, he didn’t know me. I didn’t have to front for him or make myself look better than what I was going through. I didn’t care. He offered to buy me lunch and I took the hell out of that offer. Again, those unemployment checks weren’t shit and my big ass needed to eat. During lunch, he told me that he had been watching me and how I interacted with my friends and people in general. He said he liked my personality and my confidence and I always looked put together. He then asked me why I never called him. I told him that I threw his card away as soon as I left. He then told me I was cute. And I then told him, thank you for lunch and got up to leave. He asked me not to go, and that he had a way to help me out financially. Hmmmmmmm, insert the “really nigga” meme. I’m listening. He was a recruiter for an escort service.

Breathe again….

He told me that all I had to do was be myself. Go to the movies. Go to dinners. Make people laugh and experience Atlanta on their dime and get paid doing it. I was cute, dressed nice, funny, and for a big dude keep my appearances up. Untypical of the normal fat dude. I was the niche he needed to fill a clientele. Long story short, I did it. I didn’t find too many people who gave me these compliments when I was in Mississippi, so my ego and psyche ate it up. I indulged in it. I was likeable and requested. And I didn’t have to lose my virtue while doing it. I mostly went out with the typical “I’m too busy for a relationship, but I don’t want to be alones.” It was good, I was back on my feet and making things happen. Though, I would disappear at random hours of the night. Didn’t have a job, but always had money. And drowned my emotions in weed and Everclear.

One night, dinner turned into drinks that turned into an afterparty that turned into my trust being lost in the dark… No details needed. I left hurt, confused, lost, alone and abandoned. Weed, Everclear, tears, repeat. I never reported it. How could I? I’ve seen Law and Order: SVU. I know how this turns out. I didn’t need it happening again. Who would believe me? This would be my plight and my secret forever. My fault and my consequence. My burden to bear. Needless to say, I am still not over and I would like to say that each day gets better. It doesn’t. I just get up and add it to my list to give to my therapist. But tonight I’m hurt, confused, lost, alone and abandoned all over again. I’m sure I’ll cry myself to sleep tonight. Probably pop a blue pill and a Percocet and sleep until the Lawd blesses my eyes to open.

I write this because I am tired of things in my life controlling me. As I take back my life, I hope that this gives someone the encouragement to take theirs back as well. Sometimes I hide and guard my heart with shade and meanness, but it’s a coping mechanism. I’ve spent many years being looked at as an asshole. Believe me, I know this, I can be. It’s just something that I have become comfortable with. If this blog post finds you, I hope that this helps you or someone you know. I am not the only one that has been through this, I won’t be the last. I am still a work in progress and will continue to be. I just ask that we look deeper into the lives of the love ones around us. We are acting out for a reason. For me, my last semester at GSU resulted in complete failure in all my classes, academic probation, and I have been stripped of all government financial aid, the fear of people touching me and the damage I do to my relationships because of it. I’m exhausted. This will be the first and last time.

Sincerely Yours,

Duke R. de la S.