Bum B*tches Be Winning!!

Now since Scandal has gone off, I can write this blog post in peace. Lawd wasn’t it good though. Anyway, in the words of Dr. Now, “How y’all doing?” I know I’ve been gone since Naomi Campbell’s edges but I’m back and decided to drop you guys a piece of my life. There is so much I want to tell you, but now is not the time to do so. Just know that I have been in the midst of embarking on something that has taken me to the highest peak of happiness to the valleys of emotional Hell. Everything happens for a reason and I’m learning that the journey to greatness isn’t navigated by Google Maps. Trust and believe, when the time is right, I will share everything with you. Meanwhile, as always, I’m not a writer and this is written from the heart so suck it up and bear with these mistakes if you find any, you’ll live! Now, let’s get into it.

 

If you have learned anything from following this blog, then you should know that I am a big advocate for Mental Health. Our community needs to learn that seeing a professional is not something to take likely and it’s definitely not something to look down upon. I know we have our Gawd and I know that Jesus will always work it out, but there’s nothing wrong with seeing a psychologist while he does. I have been going to a psychologist regularly for the last 4 or 5 years and I take my crazy pill every morning before I get up and deal with you people. Without my pill and a scheduled appointment with Rose Nylund, I would be hell on wheels, I mean worse than I am today. Those who knew me 10 years ago can tell you what a normal day with Duke was like. If you think I am bad now, multiply that shit by 10 thousand and that would be a calm day for me. Even with all of my progress, I have to realize that my mental health is a daily struggle and I have to be aware of my surroundings or a Bum Bitch will discredit all the work that I have put in over the last 5 years, and that’s exactly what happened last week. Are you ready? IT’S STORY TIME.

 

Disclaimer: For those that already know this story, mostly my family, I am sorry you had to be a witness to it. If any of your feelings were hurt, that was truly not my intent. What I said and did was meant for that person and that person alone. If you feel some kind of way, that is your right to feel, and I will never negate that, but I need to break away from you all. I love you and I wish the best for you. At this moment Facebook and Instagram may be our only form of keeping in touch. This has nothing to do with any of you, but I have learned that I am still working on me and unless I randomly walk into you at Wal-Mart or somebody funeral, I don’t plan on seeing any of you in person any time soon. My heart and mind is too protected again. So I will leave you with this post from my social media page:

 

Ok, now that is out of the way, I totally lost it last week. I was accused of being shady and was called out publically for doing so. That is amazing, because anyone that knows me, knows that I will tell you directly how I feel about you or something that you have did. Most of the time, I don’t even care to speak my feelings and the other times I just don’t care about you. Lol. I mean, harsh, but true. See, here’s where the problem began. I am not the Duke of 10 years or 20 years ago, where you can say anything you want and think I won’t respond for whatever reason. I am not the Duke that gets hurt from your negative words. I am not the Duke that will let you diminish or try to damage me in any kind of way. So the bitch had to get it. And this ladies and gentlemen is when the Bum Bitch won. Not because she was right or that her words were extremely harsh. Hell I have been called worse and shaded by better. Not many, but some.  Hell I’ve been called worse by other members in my family. Hell since I could remember or knew what half of these words meant, I heard them come out the mouths of those that were supposed to love and care about me. Fat. Gay. Weak. Fag. Sissy. Fat Ass. Ugly. Bitch. Nasty. Stanky. Sloppy. Lazy. SWEET, which is what she decided to call me this time, and SO MUCH MORE.

She won when I let my emotions over take me and decided to respond in way that disregarded everything I was working on. What I have learned over the last year or so, is that I control my reactions to anything that may happen. I can’t say, “I did this because you did…” At some point, I have to take responsibility of my actions and that is what I wake up every day and focus on. But on that day, my mind was in 40 other locations and TODAY WAS NOT THE DAY. But listen, the crazy part about all of this, I responded, read it back to myself and LAUGHED. I truly laughed. I was like, “Damn, you ok?” All this over $2 dollars!! Sounds petty right. I laughed because 1, I thought my response was funny. 2, the bitch called me SWEET. I mean, SWEET. Is that the best she could have done? I was disappointed in the comeback. It was like a chopped and screwed auto tuned version of the auto tuned version of the dis track that Nicki put out for Remy. Just late and lack lustered. Hell I can do I better job shading myself writing this blog than she could in the midst of her so called anger. Again, all this over $2!! 2 damn dollars!! I mean what’s $2 to a broke bitch. Hell, I don’t know. I aint broke. Just like I don’t eat rice, oatmeal, grits, and top ramen, those are tools of the broke and I know nothing about them. Lol. Do you know? Maybe she does.

 

I say all of this to say, that even with all the words that one could think of saying or calling me, a big fat sweet HIV having fag ass bitch, at the end of the day I’m still here. Do you have any idea of what that makes me? That makes me a survivor of the unimaginable. That makes me stronger than I was yesterday because I got up today and kept it moving. That makes me powerful. More powerful than I have ever been. Just like a stated in my Facebook Post:

And with that being said, please remember than Bum Bitches were put on this earth to drain you of your natural power and you will have to fight daily to win. Not with them, but with yourself.

What I write in this blog and share with you guys are things that I am going thru and I hope that it somehow helps someone in their journey or at least give you a laugh or two. This life we are living is hard in so many ways and we don’t have to go thru this alone. I am not a psychologist and don’t have plans to be in my near future. I human, I am struggle, I am everything that I was never meant to be, but I am finding my way to person I am supposed to be and I need help to do so.

I pray that you all are striving and growing to be the person that you are meant to be as well. If you are struggling, please seek help. You don’t have to do this alone; I don’t want you to this alone. Find your journey to winning. Hell, sometimes I don’t even know if I’m on any journey, but I know that each day I wake up is an opportunity to win. Stand at the finish line with me.

 

Sophistication:

 

Using company EAP to start seeing a psychologist to help you thru life, and contacting your insurance provider to get that psychologist approved to be on your medical team

 

Ratchetness:

Telling your psychologist to code your spouse and child under your name so that you all can see the psychologist on the same co-pay

 

NOW PUT THEM TOGETHER... SOPHISTICATED RATCHETNESS!!

 

 

 

Sincerely Yours,
Duke R. de la S.

 

2016, BYE BITCH!

Greetings People,

I know I have been gone for a minute, but I was out here trying to share the love and blessings this holiday season. I hope you did too! As the year comes to a close, my BooThang had the great idea of writing a letter to 2016 to bring in 2017. I too thought it was a great idea so I did. With the year I have had, I thought it would be a great way to bring some closure. And it did. I have decided to share it with you. When I started this blog, it was supposed to be an outlet to release my thoughts and emotions. You guys will never know much this blog has help me throughout this year. If that was a word 10 times better than, cathartic, it still would not have the power to fully express what this blog has been for me. I wish you all the best in 2017. With that being said, I present to you the last blog post for this year. Thoughtfully entitled…. 2016, BYE BITCH!

Dear 2016,

Come on in the room and sit right next to me, we have some things to talk about. See I thought we were going to be good and shade the masses together but I see that you had other plans. But it’s cool, there’s a reason and a season for everything and ever body and your season is about to be over in like 3 days. So in the words of Bernadine GET CHO SHIT! GET CHO SHIT! AND GET OUT! But hold on, I ain’t done…

 

I thought the year was going to be great. My job was on point. My friends were getting married and shit. I was gearing up for my annual birthday trip and was about to make some major moves. But you killed that shit real quick. Had me all down to the Punta Cana bout to die and shit. Tried to have my kinfolks keep me down there in some hospital where I couldn’t even drink the water. I mean I had all the ocean and beach I wanted and couldn’t even step outside. Oh but bitch I made it back to these United States of America. Though it was the longest plane ride I have ever took in my life. And that walk to customs damn near had me dead to the wheelchair. And while we are talking about it, Hartsfield Jackson International Airport, yall got to do something about that customs shit. You got to walk the entire way to Birmingham just to show a passport for 3 seconds. Hell I could have taken a whole new trip to another country and back and people would still be making their way to that damn picture kiosk. And why do we even have that damn picture kiosk if I still got to hand this damn piece of paper to a real ass person just for them to look at me and nod their head. Bitch I ain’t trying to be nobody’s terrorists, unless they giving out some free chicken and ribs. Man if I was a terrorist, I wouldn’t even have the strength enough to do anything after that walk. Or maybe that’s the point. CLEVER. Anyway 2016, I done got all off topic and shit. Back to your bitch ass.

I now see that you and your boy 2015 were trying to plot on a nigga. He sent you to finish what he started huh? Meanwhile, I ‘m still here hoe! Your weak ass plan failed. Cause I’m still Biker Shuffling on your ass. So you attacked my body. That’s cool. I still made it. I still JuJu on that Beat in the mirror. But you definitely left your mark, and I’m reminded of it every day when I take my Genvoya. Oh yes bitch! I’m down to one pill a day! Yes nigga, these kidneys are flourishing. Yes these T-Cells are rising a Phoenix. Yes this viral load is damn near nonexistent like Lil Kim’s old face. Yes these tumors are non-cancerous. See when your boy 2015 hit me, I staggered a little bit and found my footing, but you came in for the knockout punch. So thank you for my AIDS diagnosis and those 2 T-Cells you left me with. Thank you for those failed kidneys. Thank you for the tumors in my colon. Thank you for the 22 pills I had to take daily. Thank you for the mental anguish that I to deal with. Thank you for tears that streamed down my face. Thank you for the feelings of hopelessness and abandonment. Thank you. Your tunneled vision saw me as a tree but you missed the forest surrounding me. You missed my friends and family that stood beside me. You missed my mother-in-law and your specialized nursing. You missed my friends that rallied around me and took pictures with me while I laid in the hospital bed. You missed my family in Christ that prayed for me. You missed my daughter and my will to see her outside of the hospital. You missed my BooThang pushing me beyond my limits. You missed my medical team and all my Piedmont Hospital family. You missed my Psychiatric team. Bitch YOU MISSED!

2016 you have been the absolute worst thing that has ever happened in my life, but just like many others, I had to find the beauty in you. I see your potential. I see your light. I saw my friends getting married. I saw my friends getting engaged. I see my new position and my pay increase. I see new babies being brought in this world. I saw my cheer daughters win championships. I see the smiles and the laughs and the joy that the day brings. I SEE YOU. ALL OF YOU. And you know what, I’m really not mad at you.

Though some days are better than others and I still cry sometimes, 2016, you have made me so much better. You have given me a sense of ultimate freedom that no one can take. I have a new sense of boldness that my family and friends may not be ready for. I have a new sense of me. And if I don’t take anything else from you this year, I take me, all of me.  At the end of the day, well year, you stopped nothing. My life continues. My joy flourishes. My heart flutters. And 2016, you will soon be a thing of the past. I salute you and I leave you with this quote from my Instagram page:

 

So.... today I realized that I have smile and laughed more than I have cried. I've seen friends get married and watched other excelled in many aspects of their life. I coached 17 young ladies and watched them cheer to victory. I've been able to be a blessing to some families this holiday season and even gotten another raise at the job. I've gotten some things off my chest, and though I've been hurt and maybe have hurt other people, my black boy joy is flourishing. So I'm gonna focus on life there after and my future in it. So Julyda27th will be no more. I will simply be Issac. And you know what, I'm glad to meet and be him.

 

To those that I have hurt during this year, I am truly sorry. For those that have had the worst possible year ever, I pray with you. For those that strive to be better in the New Year, I stand with you. For those that want nothing but an abundance of life, I live with you. 2016, sir, you may take your exit, curtain call, and standing ovation. And then you can ride off into the sunset and our distant memories. You have left your mark, with time and Palmer’s CoCo butter, your marks and blemishes will soon fade away. I won’t say that I will miss you, but there will always be a tiny piece of you in my heart.

 

With the Biggest Smile and the Most Content Heart,

Duke R. de la S.

 

BITCH I'M BACK!

 

What up, people!? Did y’all miss me? I know y’all did. Anyway, excuse me for taking a whole month off without giving you a new blog post. Thank you for your patience. I mean you really had no choice… because I mean… what else can you do? Lol. Anyway, if you read the last blog, then you already know how emotionally draining it was and I needed a moment to get back to myself. Plus, I ain’t have much to say and I don’t want to feed y’all little bits and pieces of useless blog posts that mean nothing to me or you. Mostly to me, but I thought about y’all, too. So, now that I’m back. Let the fuckery begin!!

 

So much has happened in the last month, where do we begin… I guess we can start with my passion… COOKING! Yes, I’m back in the kitchen trying new things and new recipes. I've even catered two events in the last month. FatBoy BBQ and Catering is still in business and still making moves. We’ve  got two more events coming up and currently in the midst of planning them now. Meanwhile, have you guys checked out toy2theworld.com? Click the link, donate some money, tell your friends and then bring your ass right back over here and finish reading this post!! I ain’t playing either. If I hurry up, I can drop this blog later today. I know some of y’all got paid today because it’s payday. It’s the middle of the month and most of your bills should be paid so gone and drop a $100 donation. Yes, I’m all in your pockets and finances lol. Beyonce’ ain’t taking your rent money anymore and you should be caught up by now. And since I’m international now, yep I see my readers over there in China, Indonesia, Japan and Brazil, y’all can donate too! Shameless promotions… yea, y’all are here for it. You don’t have a choice! Plus, PayPal knows how to convert your yens and euros to these good old American dollars.

 

I also have a new psychologist. I still like the old one, but I believe he took me as far as our relationship could go. Plus, I owe him like $200 and my EAP just renewed. Finesse. And I need someone who can take me to infinity and beyond. But, I guess Buzz Lightyear is just a fictional character on a scary movie. Have you guys really looked at the undertones of those movies? That bear in the last movie was a little much and didn’t they almost cremate his ass at the end. That’s some scary movie shit. Well, back to my psychologist… Her name is Ms. Ann and she might be one of the funniest non-funniest people I know. She’s the type where literally everything goes over her head until you fully explain it to her. She’s like Rose Nylund without the… wait, she’s IS just like Rose Nylund, but she challenges me and gets me all in my emotions and shit. I hate her. Not really, but I do. I don’t… Maybe. See… my emotions… My last blog post was so cathartic, that I have really been on an upswing with my feelings and emotions. And for some reason, I have been the most open and honest than I have ever been in my life, which I guess is a good thing for me. A not so good thing for others, but they will live. She has me reading The Seven Seasons of the Man in the Mirror. Though I’ve only read a couple of chapters, I can see myself already. Let’s hope Ms. Ann is prepared for this rollercoaster that we call Duke. That guh is about to lose all her edges.

 

 

Oh, and I’m technically a winning cheer coach now. Lawd, don’t even ask me how and why. Just know I have 17 menstruating preteen girls, including my own, that make me want to slap them and their parents. I have never seen so much devilment in my life. These girls are something else. You would think these pretty devil spawns would have the spirits of every Dementor that every appeared in Harry Potter and my “Expectp Patronum” spell has to be on crack and meth to remotely deter their will to suck the soul out of me. Let me stop playing, they aren’t that bad, but damn near close. Lol. I have seen them at their worst and best. I’ve made them cry and laugh. I’ve hurt their feelings and apologized for it. They’ve been at my house. They’ve spent my money, took my time and energy. I have screamed and hollered. So have they. They’ve taught me how to JuJu on that Beat and Get Turnt Up. I can now Hit Them Folks with the best of them and know all the ratchet dances of Atlanta. I have watched them grow over the last 3 years. Seen them come in dead last to defending champs. I have pushed them to their limits and been the wind beneath their Dementor cloaks. They are my babies, my cheer daughters, and I will fight anyone over them. Fuck with them if you want, you will see this teddy bear turn grizzly real quick. I am Coach Issac. Coach J. THE CHEER DAD, yes all caps, they are the Fayette County Torches, and I am proud.

 

 

I figured I would end this post with my thoughts on the election. Hell, everyone else has so here it goes. Did I like the candidates? No. Did I still vote? Yes. There were more on the ballot than just the presidency. There were some amendments that I felt strongly about and I wanted my voice to be heard. Was I upset that Trump won? Yes, I didn’t know Cheetos could be president. Am I still upset? No. This country is still racist, sexist, and not a place for the poor and the minority. Did we need a presidential election to tell us that? If you did, you are crazier than all outdoors. Damn that was country. This is the way I see it, I will continue to get up every morning and go to work. I will continue to teach my child that life isn’t fair and that she will have to work twice as hard to get half of what some of the others may get. I will still be out here Ubering on the weekends and tutoring during the week. I will continue to pray to God that these kidneys, mind, and body stay healthy. I will continue to shade whatever foolishness that crosses my path. And I will always be Duke. Now if for whatever reason any of those things change, trust and believe that it will have nothing to do with who is in office. I’m more concerned with why I couldn’t watch “This is Us” while the results were coming in. Meanwhile, check that show out too. That’s good TV right there. I’m about to start a new position at the job and get to this money. Hell, I’m really hoping that since Trump is the new president-elect, I can get a tax cut. My household has been in a different tax bracket for the last 7 years and I’m tired of paying the IRS money every year. But again, if that doesn’t happen, I will continue to give them this funky ass $50 and renew that payment plan every year. Please and thank you! Process this election in whatever way gives you the comfort that your spirit needs. Give people the time and space to grieve, some of them are really hurt and scared and I get it. I’m slightly scared; I won’t lie like I’m not. I’ve accepted that and my spirit is well with it. Hopefully everyone will get to that same space soon.

 

 

As I leave, I do want to leave you guys with a Duke’s Direct Message:

WE are not our ancestors. WE will not tolerate whatever sense of entitlement you think this election has given you. WE will continue to protest. WE will continue to fight. WE will be on edge and ready to pop off. WE are tired of hashtags. WE will be alright. WE will survive. WE WILL CONTINUE… WE. WILL. CONTINUE.

 

 

Sophistication:

Completing the proper FMLA paperwork to cover your absences from your place of employment

Ratchet:

Feeling like JoAnn the Scammer because you know you can take an extended Thanksgiving and Christmas vacation from the job and they can’t fire you because you got FMLA

NOW PUT THEM TOGETHER.... SOPHISTICATED RATCHETNESS!!

 

 

 

Sincerely Yours,

Duke R. de la S.

 

 

Untold Secrets

*THIS POST DEALS WITH SEXUAL ASSAULT*

Greetings and good afternoon people. It has been a minute since I have last posted. Life has been going pretty easy and it’s not that I didn’t want to write a post, I just wanted to make sure that when I post, it is authentic and coming from a place of true emotions and heart. I also wanted this blog to be an inspiration to someone out there that may need some encouragement or strength to be who and what they are. I’ve realized that I am not my brother’s keeper, I am my brother. Yes, Yes, Yes, I have been tuned into Iyanla. I wish that guh would just come and fix my life. Lawd knows I need someone to. Well anyway, there’s something that’s been weighing me down for years. I mean YEARS.

I have always said that I have done some things in my life that I would never let anyone know. Well, I broke that rule and release something to someone close to me in a time of weakness. Pretty much around this time last year when I was in the hospital or recuperating from it. What I did not know, that today was going to be the day that that person would try to use it against me. Trust and believe, it will not happen again. My truth will never stand in my way.

*ALMOST TWO HOURS LATER. THINKING. CRYING. GETTING THE COURAGE TO SEE IF I WANTED TO CONTINUE WITH THIS POST. I HAVE DECIDED THAT I WILL. THERE WILL BE NO MORE PICS PAST THIS POINT BECAUSE I WANT TO GET THIS OUT BEFORE I CHANGE MY MIND. I ALSO WON’T EDIT FROM THIS POINT BECAUSE I DON’T THINK I WILL HAVE THE STRENGTH TO READ THRU THIS AGAIN. AND I WILL NOT BE SENDING THIS TO MY PROOFREADERS. SO BEAR WITH ME THRU THE TEARS AND EMOTIONS. DAMN, ALL CAPS HUH…. MY BAD. AND IM STILL TYPING IN ALL CAPS. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING…*

My friends all know that I hate to be touched. I will tolerate a quick brother hug or a nice side hug. If I ever give you a full embrace, it’s because I trust you and you have put in the time an energy to accept that I’m weird with that. I literally cringe and my anxiety level shoots through the roof when people get too close too quick. And there’s a very valid reason why. I was raped. Breathe Issac. Wow. My real name. This is spiraling. BREATHE.

When I moved I moved to the big city of Atlanta, GA, I was fully ready to experience new people and new things. I mean I love Mississippi with all of my heart, but I needed to explore. I needed to get away from being closed in. But that didn’t happen right away because the job I got, came with room and board, so when I drove overnight to my new home. I hit I-20 West, to 285 North, to I-85 North to Suwannee, GA. Hell I bypassed ALL of Atlanta. Being stuck in Suwannee, I didn’t really experience much past what I experienced in Mississippi. Move forward a year and I decided to attend Georgia State University to finish up my Bachelor Degree in Childhood Education. Talk about a culture SHOCK! If you really want to see what Atlanta is really about, jump on the Marta at the Doraville Station and ride down to 5 Points three times a week. I was not ready. Not ready.

One day, I was walking to class from 5 Points as I usually did and was approached by a random ass dude that was like, “What up man?” Of course thinking nothing of it, I responded back and kept it moving. He then stopped me again and gave me a business card and I asked if I needed anything to call him. Confused, I was like “OK…” and kept it moving again. Niggas is crazy in these streets. Funny thing, I always saw this same guy randomly at GSU. I assume that he went to school too. GSU is one of the most diverse schools in the nation. We have a plethora of different people from different places of different ages and stages of life, one of the things that attracted me to the school. So again, I thought nothing of it.

Maybe a year after, I lost my job and was extremely low on money. I was getting unemployment but that shit wasn’t much. Check advances and Title Max became my best friends and over drafting my Bank of America account was normal. But I told no one. My pride and ego wouldn’t let me. On top of that, my roommate moved in the middle of the lease and I was really up shit’s creek. I was still going to school and trying to make something happen, plus I had no choice because my professor had to sign off on that unemployment form so I could get my check every week. I also had to stay in good standing to get that damn refund check. I guess I was really stressing one day and it had to be posted all over my face that I was going through it. I was approached by the same dude and he asked was I ok. In a moment of weakness, I let everything out. This dude was technically still a stranger, but in my eyes, he didn’t know me. I didn’t have to front for him or make myself look better than what I was going through. I didn’t care. He offered to buy me lunch and I took the hell out of that offer. Again, those unemployment checks weren’t shit and my big ass needed to eat. During lunch, he told me that he had been watching me and how I interacted with my friends and people in general. He said he liked my personality and my confidence and I always looked put together. He then asked me why I never called him. I told him that I threw his card away as soon as I left. He then told me I was cute. And I then told him, thank you for lunch and got up to leave. He asked me not to go, and that he had a way to help me out financially. Hmmmmmmm, insert the “really nigga” meme. I’m listening. He was a recruiter for an escort service.

Breathe again….

He told me that all I had to do was be myself. Go to the movies. Go to dinners. Make people laugh and experience Atlanta on their dime and get paid doing it. I was cute, dressed nice, funny, and for a big dude keep my appearances up. Untypical of the normal fat dude. I was the niche he needed to fill a clientele. Long story short, I did it. I didn’t find too many people who gave me these compliments when I was in Mississippi, so my ego and psyche ate it up. I indulged in it. I was likeable and requested. And I didn’t have to lose my virtue while doing it. I mostly went out with the typical “I’m too busy for a relationship, but I don’t want to be alones.” It was good, I was back on my feet and making things happen. Though, I would disappear at random hours of the night. Didn’t have a job, but always had money. And drowned my emotions in weed and Everclear.

One night, dinner turned into drinks that turned into an afterparty that turned into my trust being lost in the dark… No details needed. I left hurt, confused, lost, alone and abandoned. Weed, Everclear, tears, repeat. I never reported it. How could I? I’ve seen Law and Order: SVU. I know how this turns out. I didn’t need it happening again. Who would believe me? This would be my plight and my secret forever. My fault and my consequence. My burden to bear. Needless to say, I am still not over and I would like to say that each day gets better. It doesn’t. I just get up and add it to my list to give to my therapist. But tonight I’m hurt, confused, lost, alone and abandoned all over again. I’m sure I’ll cry myself to sleep tonight. Probably pop a blue pill and a Percocet and sleep until the Lawd blesses my eyes to open.

I write this because I am tired of things in my life controlling me. As I take back my life, I hope that this gives someone the encouragement to take theirs back as well. Sometimes I hide and guard my heart with shade and meanness, but it’s a coping mechanism. I’ve spent many years being looked at as an asshole. Believe me, I know this, I can be. It’s just something that I have become comfortable with. If this blog post finds you, I hope that this helps you or someone you know. I am not the only one that has been through this, I won’t be the last. I am still a work in progress and will continue to be. I just ask that we look deeper into the lives of the love ones around us. We are acting out for a reason. For me, my last semester at GSU resulted in complete failure in all my classes, academic probation, and I have been stripped of all government financial aid, the fear of people touching me and the damage I do to my relationships because of it. I’m exhausted. This will be the first and last time.

Sincerely Yours,

Duke R. de la S.

BCC ME HOE!!!

Greetings and Good Morning!!

What the hell have y'all been doing? I know y'all missed me! I slightly missed y'all too... I'm lying, but it's nice to say right. I hope y'all had a great Labor Day. I know I did! Went on a cruise to the Bahamas, read the new Harry Potter book, started the Peculiar Children series, and ate everything that Carnival had to offer! And Sprint, I hate them so much, but that free international data!!!... Man listen, Sprint had made fetch happen for me! Celebrated 6 years of Interesting, or what others would call it, Marriage, with the boo thang and spent a whole lot of money that I didn't have. Needless to say, I was ubering everywhere when I got back to the states. Now let's get into the reason for today's blog cause I'm about to check some people in my life.... Ready?... LET'S GET IT. LET'S GO!

I am a Configurations and Compliance Specialist for an aviation company. Sounds cool right? Just don't ask me what I do, cause hell, half the damn time, I don't even know. To be honest, it really doesn't matter because they pay me good and the check clears every 1st and the 15th, MESSAGE! Anyway, I deal with a lot of emails, it's a necessary tool to communicate with different people and departments within the company. Plus it's the best COVER YOUR ASS tool when shit hits the fan. I'm quick to be like, "You want me to do what? CAN I GET THAT IN AN EMAIL! THANK YOU!" I deal with the inadequacies of competence when it comes to proper email etiquette on a daily basis in my career, so what I will not do is deal with that same incompetence in my personal life. With that being said.... BCC ME HOE!!!!

First all, when you send an email with 50 other people that I don't know personally, then you should BCC ME HOE! I don't know these people and I could care less about them and who they are. What I do care about is that they now have my personal email and I have to be subjected to all their dumb ass responses when they feel the need to REPLY ALL. Oh don't worry, I'm coming back to that damn Reply All. If you are sending out information that you know people are going to have individual questions and concerns, BCC ME HOE! Again, I truly don't want to know what the hell is going on in other people lives and I shouldn't have to be subjected to all of their situations that have nothing to do with me. Now, if you are about to be messy and give me all the news and happenings on the Greenleaf family, you still better, what??... BCC ME HOE!! Make me feel like you are telling me some piping hot Lipton Mango Peach Tea with a hint of Hennessey White. If I see you pouring everybody else a cup of the same tea, then I ain't going to want it. Just bring me an Arnold Palmer and call it a day. You know what, if you ain't emailing me directly or got more than 2 people on the email, you need to what??... BCC ME HOE!!  I'm sure you have it by now.

Now about this Reply All... STOP IT! No one cares about you and your issues. Most of the time, your reply isn't even needed at all. You just want to be seen and ain't nobody here to see you OTIS! You just got everybody's phone vibrating and ringing just for you to say, "THANK YOU." You have started a whole damn chain of people trying to be seen with you. You done said, "Thank You.", now here comes 15 other people that feel obligated to say the same. Wait... now that I think about it, did you not BCC ME HOE cause you wanted us to openly thank you to boost your little ego and self-esteem. Oh, see now you done messed up, cause I'm the type of person to check you in front of those 50 people... ask the Manager of Records lol. I kid, I kid.... I don't... but I will. Anyway, just don't do it. This also goes for GROUP TEXT!! STOP IT! And update your damn phone to a better operating system that shows you that you are in a group text. There are still people texting me after a group text asking, "Who is this? How did you get my number? Do I know you?" No dumb ass you don't. It's a group text because our friend is too lazy to call and text us individually. But don't worry, if they are hanging out with dumb asses like you, we won't friends too much longer.

If you, for whatever reason, find yourself in a 14 email thread, cause the shit gets out of control fast, do us all a favor and read the whole thread before you throw your useless information and opinion in there. I am simply unable to can, "can't" for you slow ones, with people that reply all to an original email when we are already 15 emails in. That just makes you look like a dumb ass, and I can guarantee you that the people that do this are already seen as a dumb ass and doing things like this only confirms that they are. You don't want to confirm your dumb ass-ness. That's not a good look. I'm already pissed that the HOE didn't BCC ME, now here comes 15 reply alls that were unnecessary, and here you go replying all to the original email. Just shut the hell up! Lawd please smite their email account.

I refuse to let yall continue to ruin my personal time. I'm just gonna start putting yall on blast in a reply all. I mean, you really left me no options but to hurt your feelings or block you. Like I have posted before, time heals all wounds and I'm sure that the Lawd wont smite your life cause I blocked you. BUT DID YOU DIE? I do want to wrap this up with one more thing though. I DON'T WANT TO BE IN ANOTHER GROUP ME!!! Man listen, I'm already apart of like 10, and 10 of them are on mute. We already ain't talking about shit and this new group is just a variation of people in the other groups. Yall just being petty and don't want them to see. I promise you, if you add me its going to read just like this... "DumbAss has added Duke to the group"..."Duke has left the group". In that order. Try me. On top of that, don't send a mass email, that you didn't BCC ME on, to tell me that we are moving to GroupMe. Why? Again... I already want you to BCC ME HOE, I don't want to see the reply alls, and they aren't going to read the thread before replying. No, I don't want your email No, I don't want to give you mine! No, I don't care about your reply! STOP WASTING MY TIME! No, I don't want no scrubs... oh wait... I got caught up... SHHHIT... Anyway... MOVE ALONG... Didn't I just write a whole blog on this? Now you are going to put all of my concerns and irritations in one magnified place. Like Brandy's record label, I don't want it. Like Naomi Campbell's edges, I'm not here for it. Whoooooooooo, deep breath. Let me take 10 mgs of my get right and govern yourselves accordingly.

Sophistication:

Silently and peacefully protesting something that you strongly believe in and standing by those convictions in the time when the world is trying to discredit you

Ratchet:

Actively trying to shame and ridicule someone expressing their personal convictions and not harming you in any way, instead of focusing on the real issue

NOW PUT THEM TOGETHER.... AND LET'S DISCUSS WHO'S THE REAL PROBLEM!!

 

 

Sincerely Yours,

Duke R. de la S.

 

 

Friendship is Essential to the Soul

Hey people! I hope that you are doing well and miss me just as much as I have missed you. Life is just as crazy as usual and these people are still getting on my nerves, but I'm not here to speak on them today. But don't you worry, there are enough dumb asses in the world for me to write a million blog posts, so trust, I'm going to get to them sooner than later. I PROMISE!! Today, I want to take the time to praise some great people in my life, MY FRIENDS!!! Believe me, if you think I'm bad, I have nothing on them! NOTHING!

Friendship is essential to the soul, #noQueDawg! It took me a long time to realize this but without them, I don't know how I would have gotten this far in my life. I was one of those people who would always say, "I don't need anyone but me!" That was a lie formulated from the bowels of hell. I needed my friends, and I still do. I will ride and die for each and every last one of them. Some more than others lol. If you know me, then you should know that I'm ready to have a "nigga moment" at any time when it comes to them. Matter of fact, there have been a couple of "nigga moments" that I'm still kinda pissed that I was apart of, but hell, if you can't go to Bella Noche's, where the hell can you go! That's what a real friend does. Accept your foolishness and cuss you out later for it, #trueStory.

*NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT, NOT REALLY*

Bravis and WaTosha!! Wow the times and stories that we have shared over the years. We could have a comedy show that would never end. You guys have accepted every part of me and encouraged me to be better. I will always love you. Though we don't see each other often, I look forward to that Christmas meet and greet every year! Matter of fact, lets change that comedy show to a traveling food show, cause we can get to it! I wish you nothing but the best in everything you do. I pray for you two every night and my heart is elated when I am around you. If you ever wondered, where my shade skills came from, you can blame these two. Fat Rabbit Clique forever.

My GSU folks..... Fall 2005, changed my life forever. I truly never imagined the relationships that I would gain when I enrolled there. I promise you, I was a true commuter. I spent more time on Hwy 316 than I did in class. From SideBar Thursdays, to Sensational Sub Pitchers, to drunken Midday BBQ's, the random road trips, to marriages, kids, promotions, relocations and growing the hell up. You guys really showed me what friendship was all about. Diggles... there's no one like you. The Jamaican, Jonnel, so much I can say. Jahater, I know you hate that! The Frat, I ain't naming all of yall, but I'm proud of you. De and Byrone, I could never thank you enough. Foye and your bad knees, I appreciate you. And the rest of yall... I'm going to move on from yall cause I am already crying. The epitome of "When Friends Become Family".

My church friends, you make me do better. You make me want to do better. I'm a ratchet Christian and I think you guys get me. I'm still a work in progress and I know yall are reading this. I'll try to work on my language, some... a little... maybe... lol. Thank you for being there. We may not all still attend the same church, but you are all still in my heart. You guys are real and understanding and always point me back to the cross, even though I'm a hard head and don't listen sometimes. I do get it and I'm not mad at it. I just ask that you get off that "reply all" button, but I still love you, even if I have blocked you. That was for the benefit of me and your feelings! Or maybe because I'm petty and you have no choice but to deal, lol. Mangel and Pike thank you for everything you do.

Jerrance and Teff, yall already know so yall gets no shine here! We are due for a Dimension Round Table anyway.

My best friend. The one that I constantly argue with on a daily basis. Wary Might... you get on my nerves, but I love you more than this blog could ever convey. I know there are times that I don't show and tell you in the way I should, but I do love you. You do be getting on my nerves though. Yes, I said it twice, but you're one of my proofreaders and will probably remove this whole statement because you are just as shady and petty as I am. See, I've taught you well. Anyway, I know it's only because you truly want me to be the best man I can, even when you have no idea what the hell that is. I still don't know what that is. But, I guess we will find it together. Oh thank you for the concert tickets!! I'm going to see JILL AND CHRISETTE!!!

Without you people, my life would have been over a long time ago. Literally, you guys have talked me in off the ledge and circumvented a potential suicide. You have totally changed my life for the better. You have truly been essential to the saving of my soul. So, technically it is your fault that I am who I am. Congrats, you created a MONSTER!!

Now for a Duke's direct message:

Tonita and Bynerria, I don't know what I would do without yall on a daily basis! Meet my proofreaders. I should probably put them on payroll... nah, they good. I spend most of my life with these two, and they know me better than I know myself sometimes. Ms. Fix Your Face, I love you past our 40 hours a week. I'm praying for your dreams to come true. When they manifest, I will be one of your biggest supporters. We need people like you in the world. Ms. Bulldagging Ass, stay sweet and caring and continue to speak positivity in the world. I'll learn you some real shit before I leave this Earth. Thank you for listening and blessing me with that snort. You are like a little sister and I'll read and shade anyone you tell me to cause I love your heart. Thank both of yall for keeping my check direct deposited, cause you know, I've had my moments.

Sophistication:

Surrounding yourself with people, who want the best for you

Ratchet:

Sitting in the corner, and shading the masses

NOW PUT THEM TOGETHER.... THOSE ARE MY FRIENDS!!

 

 

Sincerely Yours,

Duke R. de la S.

 

 

CoCoa Puffs, Cymbalta, and 24 Hours to Life

Greetings and Salutations,

Soooooooooooooooooooooooo, I never start my day without my CoCoa Puffs and Cymbalta. I thoroughly enjoy both. Hell those CoCoa Puffs are just the best cereal ever created and that Cymbalta is everything I need to get through these days. It has been a very emotional and draining couple of weeks for me. DRAY NEEN! When I tell you that my emotions have been all over the place and shit just keeps getting thrown in the mix. But, the good thing about all of this is that I have finally come to the point of contentment and grace. Me and God have been having some heated conversations and arguments. I have realized that his grace was, is, and will always be sufficient even in the times where I'm lying in bed crying uncontrollably, feeling alone and abandoned. You remember when I told yall I was gonna get real with yall about my feelings and life, well get ready cause here it goes....

Picture it, Sicily, 1939.... lol. No seriously though, Sunday July 26th, I woke and got up to go to the bathroom. I stand up and immediately hit the floor. Bodily functions doing their own thing. I lay there, covered in everything that I despise. Weakness. Neediness. Fear. Uncertainty. Confusion. Shit and Piss. Thank God for surrounding me with great people who stepped in and took care of me. This doesn't just happen once, but 3 times. What the hell is going on!? Today is just full of shit, literally. Ok, Duke, you're clearly sick. Get in the bed and stay there.

Monday, July 27th. I wake up, still sick, worse than the day before. I get help and make my way downstairs and lay on the couch. I'm fed crackers and Gatorade. Crackers and more Gatorade. Crackers. Gatorade. In the midst, I can't physically stand, literally crawling to the bathroom and back. Crackers. Gatorade. Dizziness. Nausea. Sleep. I spend hours on the couch. I wake up and ask for help to the bathroom. I'm lifted off the couch and pass out. In and out of consciousness... 3 white men.... stretcher... ambulance... hot... EXTREMELY HOT... voices.... more voices... I want to go home... why the fuck is it so hot?...

I wake up in the hospital. Frantic white women... boo thang in the corner... IV's in both arms... blood pressure cuff hurts... more frantic white women... bags of fluids... SCARED... why is boo thang's face all pale?... why am I here?... I want to go home... 4 bags of fluids... no 6 bags of fluids... no 5 bags of fluids... why don't yall know this?... Frustrated... #QTNA... ER... blood pressure not reading... more fluids... central line... WHAT!?... damn that hurts... blood pressure still not reading... I want to go home... I want to go home NOW... tears... someone tell me something... they don't have the answers SWAY..." Mr. Morgan...." "Mr. Morgan, we need you to be still..." more tears... fear... blood pressure cuff still hurts... squeezes every 2 minutes... I want to go home... home... nurse speaks... "Good thing you came in when you did, you wouldn't have made it another day..." HUH?... "Mr. Morgan you aren't going anywhere soon. You're going to the ICU..." More tears...

Needless to say, the SCARIEST moment in my life, they diagnosed me with Rhabdomyolysis which sent my body into a septic shock.

Rhabdomyolysis is a serious syndrome due to a direct or indirect muscle injury. It results from the death of muscle fibers and release of their contents into the bloodstream. This can lead to complications such as renal (kidney) failure. This occurs when the kidneys cannot remove waste and concentrated urine. In rare cases, Rhabdomyolysis can even cause death. 

5 days in the hospital.

This is why you haven't received a blog post. Again, this has been an emotional couple of weeks. The one year anniversary of being given 24 hours to live has definitely been playing tricks on my mind. How do you live after hearing something like that? Did I just beat Death? Is Death coming back in the form of a speeding bus like the chick in Final Destination? Hell, knowing me, it would probably come back in the form of food poisoning in some ribs or chicken. To be honest, that trip to the ER was just the beginning of the most difficult year of my life. 5 months later I'm back in the hospital... Kidneys all the way jacked and life changing.

So forgive me for not posting my ratchet thoughts on the world and the things in it. I needed time to get myself right... mind, body, and soul. I want to thank my cousins for listening and still loving me. That cabin trip was everything that I needed. My big bro, Sir, thank you for having my back literally and holding me up when I thought I couldn't stand. My little bro, thanks for the verbal confirmation of my faith. Sometimes I forget. You always seem to amaze me in so many ways. I love you and your wife. My big sister, I promise to pick up the phone and check in... maybe, lol.

It's now August and the world is better and I will be ok. My emotions will always be crazy because my psychiatrist says I'm clinically depressed, but Cymbalta has become my best friend. Let me tell you, those 10 mgs a day put in WERK! OVA TYME! Thank you United Healthcare for making those pills FREE! My life is a lifetime movie I swear. Or maybe more of a dark comedy. Oh well, if it ever becomes a movie, just make sure that Anthony Anderson plays my character. I'm just gonna end this before I start crying again, which happens without warning sometimes. Mental illness is real in these streets and it took me 34 years to finally get mine in check. This year has been trying and I have put the people in my life through so much. For that, I'm sorry. I'll make yall some BBQ later. I am no longer wearing the mask that grins and lies, hides my cheeks, and shades my eyes. Yall are going to get the real me, flaws and all. Plus, have you seen how photogenic I am. Get you a piece! I have lived my life for the comfort and thoughts of others. I have made decisions for the benefit of those around me. But no more. When I leave my footprints in the sands of time, I want to leave them with no regrets. I would like to promise yall that I will do better and try to post every week again, but NAHHHHHHHHH! Just wait on it! For those who reached out to me during my absence, thank you. This blog has been a journey and I have enjoyed everything from it. Until next time... Peace and Blessings. CoCoa Puffs and Cymbalta. Ass and Tiddays. Peanut Butter and Jelly.

Sophistication:

Finding peace and understanding in your mental illness and disease

Ratchet:

Finding joy and strength in calling your medication, Crazy Pills

NOW PUT THEM TOGETHER.... SOPHISTICATED RATCHETNESS!!

Sincerely Yours,

Duke R. de la S.